That is the question--at least in regards to my 10 year high school reunion. It's this coming weekend and I've been debating whether or not I should try to go. It would be a tight squeeze in terms of my schedule: my sister is graduating from college the same day and we have big BBQ-party planned to celebrate her accomplishment (We never doubted she could do it--in fact she is probably the smartest of out of all of us kids; if not the smartest, by far the one with the most wit). If I did go (to the reunion) I would have to skip out of the graduation BBQ for a few hours to do so. I'm sure it wouldn't be that big a deal, and there would be plenty of eager relatives who would watch Sophia, but it IS my sister's graduation.

Honestly though, my reasons for wanting to go to my high school reunion are purely selfish: I want to feed my ego. I want to get all dressed up ( in my skin-tight "going out" jeans--which now fit) and walk around saying (without a word actually coming out of my mouth): "Look at me now!" And when I finally do stop to talk to someone: "Why yes, I DO have pictures with me." and I'll pull out the pictures of my HOT husband and BEAUTIFUL daughter and show them off. And my former classmates will say things like: "Wow, your husband is cute," and "You just had a baby? You look great!" And I'll say: "Why yes," and "Thank you." And then they'll ask what I do and I'll say: "I run marathons [in the voice of Thurston Howell from Gilligan's Island]." And everyone will be so impressed and they'll talk amongst themselves and say, "Did you see Sarah? She looks so different [in a good way] from when we were in high school! AND she runs marathons!"

It's such a shallow reason to go. Even if I did go, I doubt it would be as ego-boosting as I imagine. In fact, it could be quite the opposite. It could be more like visiting a monument to dreams that I have let die and the fact that I'm not the person I thought I would become when I graduated from high school ten years ago. A reminder that I had to step off the track towards a career as a Registered Dietitian due to my own struggle with an eating disorder and pick a career totally unrelated to food. Teaching seemed like a natural fit, it was after all part of what I wanted to do: I wanted to teach people to eat healthy--but how could I do that when my own habits we the furthest thing from healthy. So I became a high school English teacher and left behind the idea of becoming a nutritionist--something I had to do in order to heal completely. And while I've enjoyed being a high school teacher and gave it my all while I was doing it, it was never MY "dream," never what I imagined for myself as I was leaving high school--of course, I never imagined I'd be one of "those girls" with an eating disorder either.

Today, I am completely free of any struggle with an eating disorder (the journey to that freedom is a story unto itself, one that I may tell on this blog someday) and looking back I realize that the first step in the path to freedom was leaving behind, or at least putting on the shelf, my dream of becoming a registered dietitian.

My life has taken so many twists and turns in the ten years since high school; I thought I had everything planned out at as 17 year old: this is what my life will look like. Even though it hardly resembles that ten-year-old plan, I'm completely happy with who I have become: a wife, a mother…ME. Life IS twists. Life IS turns. It is rarely what you imagine, but it is always exactly what it should be.

And really, this freedom, this contentment, this joy with life is not something that I can show off...at least not with tight jeans and pictures of my beautiful family.

But, just for the record….;-)

This is my HOT husband: