Let Go

I'm up this morning at 4:42 because I can't sleep. Not because I'm in labor, but because I can't stop thinking about labor. For the past few weeks I've been anxious, high-strung and worked-up because my thoughts about this pregnancy have been driven by my expectations and my agenda. I'm realizing this morning that those expectations and agenda are pretty self-centered. This whole pregnancy I've been in a hurry. I thought I'd have this little guy early (that was my hope at least) so that I could hurry up and start adjusting to life with two children, so that I could hurry up and get him on a schedule, so that I could hurry up and start marathon training, so that I could hurry up and do more. I have to let go. I have to let go of my Post-Baby Comeback Plan. I have to let go of my expectation that he's coming early. I have to let go of my expectations for after he is born, of  what I will be capable of doing and what our family of four will be able to do. I just have to let go. But I'm finding that despite knowing this to be true and giving word to it here, I'm still having a hard time replacing those "hurry up" thoughts in my mind. I'm finding that my mind (and probably my body too) are very much preoccupied with "what I want." It reminds me a bit of battling the distorted thinking of an eating disorder: you want so badly to believe the truth about yourself--that you are beautiful and perfect the way you are but the negative self-talk keeps telling you that what you are is never enough.

I found freedom from those obsessive thoughts, so I know that I can find freedom from my own expectations. I have to "take every thought captive," to stop the thought in its tracks before it takes hold in my mind and replace it with truth. And the truth is that I can't control when this little boy arrives. And I can't pre-plan what life will be like after her arrives. I can only be in the moment. I can trust that God's timing for this little babe is perfect, despite my imperfections.

--Sarah